lobotomy
My maternal grandmother began showing signs of mental illness after her youngest was born - I think she was about 30 or so at the time. She hallucinated and spoke to my grandfather and her children of the things she saw, as if they had seen them as well. Sometimes, she would just suddenly leave the house and begin walking away...and my grandfather would drive out looking for her, eventually finding her and bringing her home. There was medication but she didn't always take it. The doctors wanted to give her a frontal lobotamy but my grandfather refused. She was brought to a mental hospital where she lived the rest of her life. My mother, 12 at the time, lost her mom. Not to death but to schizophrenia.
Both sides of my family have history of depression or some sort of mental illness. Father somehow copes with depression without medication. Mother self medicates as well as takes rx drugs as prescribed. Two of my father's cousins committed suicide. As most of my neighbors here know, I have inherited this fucking illness that will probably, inevitably, one day be the death of me.
I have had a paralyzing episode of depression for the past day and a half. I become someone else and cannot get back to 'me'. I take my medications on time everyday. I never miss a dose. This makes it that much more frustrating. Why...after all the different meds, therapy and inner work I've done, does this continue to resurface?! I can't imagine living the rest of my life with this. Each time it happens, it feels more potent than the last, when, I think it should be less potent...all things considered. The mental/emotional pain is so incredible and smothering I can't think of any way out of it but death. It's as if each nuance of pain adds to the accumulation from years past. There are spells of complete and utter self loathing, a desire to relinquish the fires within.
Get me Neil on the line, no I can't hold
have him read Snow Glass Apples where nothing is what it seems
'little sis, you must crack this', he says to me..'you must go in again'
Carbon made only wants to be unmade. Blade to ice
It's double diamond time.
Comments
I don't know if I pray...it's more like screaming. In those moments I feel like I've been utterly abandoned by God.
thanks for your words - I didn't realize you dealt with similiar issues - you can always send a private message if you need to talk.
Dear Kris.
I am sorry for this suffering as real as any other ailment. Research vegas nerve stimulation. It is a surgery that saved a friend of mine, who tried all the meds.
I have suffered from anxiety all my life, which used to be crippling, as in I couldn't keep food down and couldn't sleep. I went on meds, after being sleepless for four days and nights, when sleeping drugs ceased working. i was hallucinating from lack of sleep and suicidal. I also had a three month old son at the time.
Seek several opinions from different psychiatrists too. I got in the clutches of a bad one once. Make sure the person handing out the drugs is also doing the therapy. Often the psychiatrists are the whores of the parmaceutical companies and receive kickbacks for prescribing certain drugs.
Paxil, good therapy, yoga, buddhism and lots of friends saved me. I think "circular thinking" was my big problem. "O my god I'm scared. What could I possibly be scared of.." Clearing my mind and being in my body no matter how painful, has helped me release emotions, rather than explaining them.
my dad heard voices and my mom suffered from anxiety. I'm so happy I didn't inherit psychosis or severe alcoholism.
Lucy, who says you can email her anytime.
:-(
I'm sorry. I've never had to deal with something like this. People who manage to soldier on are amazing.
I believe that you will be able to soldier on. You're tough and I hope the bad days don't last long.
*hug*
There are a lot of Voxers who suffer from depression. I'm one of them. Oftentimes it takes several times to find the right medication, and sometimes they work for a while and then stop, and you have to find something different. I changed meds about a month ago, and it seems to be helping, but only time will tell. Please talk to your doctor.
I'm here if you want to talk.