Self Editing & Sex
This evening while in therapy, the topic of sexuality/sexual preference emerged. This isn't what I had planned on discussing but the conversation evolved into it while we toyed with the idea of my possibly getting semi-involved in a community group of some sort. One reason is because I have some social apprehensions. I'm not particularly anti-social; however, I am not one who enjoys generic type social situations in which people cannot be free. By free, I mean authentic and unedited. Lets face it, most people spend a large portion of their lives (work, school) having to censor some part of themselves. When you are in the company of people that you can be free with, it's like nothing else.
Anyhow, we were discussing different groups (i.e., Sierra Club local groups or photography groups etc.) so that I can explore meeting new people and develop a bit more of a network socially. As I sat there I couldn't think of any group that even remotely sounded appealing to me except..as I blurted out..."a gay, lesbian, bisexual support group..I'd probably feel comfortable there". I do not like to label myself especially when it comes to sexual orientation. I am a lover of people. I am sexually attracted to both women and men. So yeah, I'm in the dual area. Bi. As my therapist and I continued to talk we analyzed the differences in the way I feel when I'm with a man verses when I'm with a woman. This was really profound, not that I haven't thought about it or for that matter, experienced it...but I haven't thought about it in depth since my last relationship with a woman which was over a year ago. There is an amazing difference in the way I feel with each gender. I remember thinking when I was with the aforementioned person (female).."I have NEVER felt like this. It's so amazingly beautiful, it feels perfect and natural for me..it's safe". I've had pleasurable sex and passionate sex with men. I have loved a couple of really special men and have felt their love in return but am not quite sure if what I felt with them was as profound.
So this is good. It's another layer to peel...uncovering the self beneath.
Comments
Just a couple of ideas:
You might be seeing the wrong men. Perhaps guys who arent as stereotypically masculine?
You might also consider finding an art community to jump into. Those cats tend to be very accepting of freedom.
Another direction, is to find someone who you consider a fairly free spirit. Chances are, they will introduce you to situations where that is encouraged. Netowrk intelligently, my dearest.
Good luck!
But, I agree with jayd... art communities tend to be relatively accepting (well, depending on the community... in my small town, not so much) and you appear to be relatively artsy. :-)
Thank you for the thoughts and ideas. I generally don't go for the overtly masculine man (i.e. buff, sportscar driving, football watching man) No offense to the guys out there but that's not alluring to me at all.
You're wonderful as always Jay. I appreciate your thoughful comments. ;)
Thank you - this is a good start. We'll see where it leads...;)
Hrmm. I think I did a bad job of conveying what was in my brain. (Oops!)
This would be a lot easier to clarify if you were right next to me (and for the record, a much more pleasant exchange!). But the gist is...
A guy who doesnt care about the stereotypes of masculinity. Or is so confident in his masculinity that he might as well not care. He just is, him.
Even if that means he likes sappy romantic comedies. Or the way colors go together in an outfit. Or will hold your purse for you (to make your life easier, *not* to avoid you complaining). Or shopping. Or getting excited when you are excited about something seemingly insignificant (like your new shoes, or seeing your first crocodile of the season). Etc...
I think a guy like that would do well for you. Because I think a guy like that has the mental and emotional basis for what you probably really resonated with in women.
hmmm...I'll have to check that out. Sounds really interesting. Thank you!
Does "semi-sanity" have anything to do with not going crazy when you see big trucks? Just kidding. I'm glad the counseling is helping.
Hey, you get some really neat Google ads at the bottom of your page when you mention lesbians....